I'm not quite sure when the part of me that hardened against the world first developed, but I'm guessing it was around fourth grade — when I was fed up with one of my stepdads.
I say one of them because I had several before I graduated high school.
Larry was mean and perverted. He was the first man my mom married after she and my dad divorced. I had creepy feelings about him from day one. My feelings were confirmed one afternoon when I stepped out of the shower and noticed him looking at my naked body through the cracked open door. I quickly wrapped my worn Snoopy towel around myself and felt my body shudder.
I'd already experienced my drunk grandfather consuming my body when I was a very little girl. How am I going to escape more abuse? I wondered. How am I going to sleep? How will I keep myself safe?
These are questions no child should ever have to think about. Questions that steal your childhood and become etched into every cell in your body, only to resurface for the rest of your life at any sign of threat, real or perceived.
As I entered my teenage years, I found relief from deep emotional pain through various coping behaviors. Oddly enough, even though I developed self-hatred — believing there was something deeply wrong with me — I also had a voice that would pop in and out of my head and consistently whisper, "This is not who you are."
It's my hope that by telling these stories from my teenage years, you will see every past version of yourself with eyes of love and compassion. Especially if you turned against your own body as a teenager and are living in a story in which shame keeps you from being fully known, seen, and loved.
No matter how wild, promiscuous, straightlaced, boring, or angry your teenage self was, there were reasons she turned to her coping behaviors. Those reasons are different for everyone, but through Story Work, we can excavate the deeper fears and find a compassionate understanding for the ways we did cope.
Before you go further, will you place your hand on your teenage self's heart, allowing curiosity to come in?
What if she has something to say to you that she was never able to express in the real time of her teenage years?
I believe she does. I also believe that what she has to say will eventually make your heart sing.
[PLACEHOLDER: confirm with Kandace whether the introduction stays as adapted above (profanity removed) or runs verbatim]
